Thank you, cellular device.

Thank you for all that you do. You literally do everything. You give me directions when I'm lost, and get me out of the scary neighborhoods fairly quickly. You perform basic calculations which my little peanut brain cannot. You play music to drown out the sound of everything. You make me laugh by providing silly autocorrects, and you help me text when I forget how to English. You keep me entertained with bazillions of apps. You take pictures that make me look phenomenal. You sometimes drop calls, which is ok because I don't even really like talking on the phone to begin with. You save yourself from impending water damage by being virtually waterproof, but don't worry, I'm not going to drown you in a cup of tea or a bowl of toilet water. You wake me up for work every morning. You do so many wonderful things for me, phone.

But most importantly, you help me avoid social interaction in public. And for that, I love you.