What an eventful Thursday evening, to say the least

Where do I even begin... Oh, man. Last night was seriously such an eventful night. I can't even. Let's start from the beginning..............

So, I'm outside watering the grass and I hear this *thump*. A poor little birdy flew into the window and injured itself. I don't particularly care for birds, but I also believe that all living, breathing creatures deserve to live, or at least have someone pet them til they die. So I pick up the bird, who I then realized is the mama bird to the babies in the nest above my front door, and sit down with her perched on my hand. She was breathing weird and she looked at me with these sad little eyes... So I was just sittin there gently petting her, hoping that my love and affection will help ease her worry.. Then outta no where she gets spooked and started flapping around. That's when I noticed my dog running up. He's a country dog, meaning he will eat little animals (birds, rodents, gophers, etc.). He looked at her like she was a fuckin doggy biscuit. She started flying away but she was injured so she was flying probably 3 or 4 feet above the ground and my dog took off after her, then I took off after them. Looking back now, it was probably a very entertaining scene. So I rounded the corner and see her clinging for dear life to the brick on the side of my house while my dog is jumping around trying to eat her. I tried so hard to calm her down and catch her but she jumped and BOOM, the dog snatched her. He had her in his mouth and I could hear her screeching in pain, which made me physically hurt. I chased after him and I tried to hold him back so I could save her but he wasn't havin it. So I gave up and went inside. I shit you not, 30 seconds after I got inside I saw my dog happily trotting around, real proud looking. So I went back outside and saw that she was just laying there and she was still alive. I walked over to her and BOOM my dog came outta no where (again) and took off with her. So there I was, chasing him again trying to save this poor, helpless mama birdy. So I gave up again and went back inside. Then I see the dog walking around a couple minutes later and I go back outside to make sure that the bird was dead and no longer suffering. My damn dog grabbed her again and all I saw was her little head dangling around so I thought she was for sure dead. But I needed to be 100% sure before I completely gave up. I walked up to where he was laying with her in his mouth. She definitely looked dead. But then I saw her little wing flap a bit and realized she was definitely not dead. As much as it pains me to say, I knew I had to put her out of her misery. I didn't want to use my bare hands, that just seemed like more than I could handle. I panicked and realized I only had one option. I knew what had to be done. I pulled my dog away just long enough to get my foot on her head and I slowly broke her neck. I was so distraught, I had to do something to take my mind off of the horrendous crime I had just committed against nature. I did what I do best, cook. I made an entire package of bacon and ate my feelings.

So there's part one of my eventful Thursday evening. Horrible, right? I know. Here's what happened next...

I'm just sittin there in bed watching True Blood, chillin, drankin, hangin out, livin life and shit and then my phone rings. It's my lawyer. I'm like, oh fuck. This can't be good. My mind starts racing and thinking of 100 different reasons why he could possibly be calling me at 10pm. I answer, and this is how the conversation goes"
Me: hello?
Lawyer: *slurred* biiitchessss
Me: are you drunk?
Lawyer: very
Lawyer: theres a man in my apartment with a cowboy hat on
Me: what the fuck, who is it?
Lawyer: gotta go
So he hangs up. There was some other conversation in there but I can't remember exactly what was said. It was like, a 5 minute phone conversation. So I just laugh it off and go back to watching True Blood. Then I get a text from my boyfriend, and what do you know, hes drunk too. Like, what the fuck, why is everyone drunk?? But I'm not gonna lie, his drunk texts were very entertaining. Some time passes, I start my "getting ready for bed" routine and then eventually get into bed, not quite ready for sleep just yet. I text my drunk boyfriend and told him to call me if he could. So he calls and I'm talking to him and then I get another call. Guess who? If you guessed my drunk lawyer, you're correct. I tell my drunk boyfriend to hold on a minute and answer drunk lawyers call. We ended up talking for about 10 minutes. And when I say talking, I actually mean me listening to his drunk ramblings and occasionally responding. After that phone conversation with drunk lawyer, I call drunk boyfriend back. We talk for a few minutes. Pretty simple conversation. Then we hung up and I'm guessing he went to bed. I was about to crawl back into bed for sleep when I realized I had 5 $1 scratch offs in my purse. I scratch them, and do you think I won anything? Fuck no I did not. That was the cherry on top the a big what the fuck sundae.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my very eventful Thursday evening.

RIP Mama Birdy
2013-2014